In my last blog entry I gave an example of a situation where I ignored my instincts (or talked myself out of them), and made a mess as a result.  I can't count the number of times I've done that, and every time the story is the same.

If your gut is yelling at you saying:

"STOP!  DON'T DO IT!  THIS IS A BAD IDEA!  SOMETHING'S NOT RIGHT!",

you ignore it at your peril.  

I think our instincts are a form of higher wisdom, helping guide us along the way.  I don't think our gut feeling discerns right or wrong in an absolute sense, but I do think it discerns right or wrong FOR US, AS INDIVIDUALS.  And that makes all the difference.  

So, next time you find yourself trying to make a difficult decision, or conflicted about something, give yourself some time to reflect on it.  Look for the voice of wisdom inside you, or notice the feeling you get when you consider the various courses of action your could take.  Then, FOLLOW ITS ADVICE!

My guess is you'll be glad you did. 

P.S. No major update on the situation yet.  My assistant is going back and forth with my colleague trying to figure out times that will work for the two of us to connect this week.  So, there's at least contact of some kind.  Stay tuned. 

Late last week I ignored a piece of advice I regularly give to clients, and I am paying the price.

If you have a sensitive topic to address, email is almost certainly NOT the right vehicle.  

Well, I was reminded the hard way.  A sensitive subject came up through some client work I was doing last week.  It was a subject I needed to raise with a long-time close colleague who is many time zones removed from me.  I had promised the client I would respond in a timely fashion, and also wanted to give my colleague time to think about it before he and I discussed it, rather than just "springing it on him" in a phone call.  So, I chose to put the subject out there in email on Thursday as a way to start the process.  

In the message I sent to my colleague, I explicitly explained that email was not my preferred method for handling this, and that my purpose for putting the topic in email at all was as noted above (that is, to be responsive to the client and to give him time to think about it over the weekend so we could address it this week).  On purpose, I did not stake out my position on the subject - because I had not established one, and because it's often a bad idea anyway.  We need to jointly develop a solution based on our varying interests, wants, needs, and goals.  I asked him to think about it and suggested we get together on the phone to discuss it as a next step. Well that didn't work.  

I arrived at the office on Monday morning to a fairly strongly worded email in which he laid out his position in no uncertain terms, and also explained how upset he would feel if this were not the outcome.  OOPS.  This is EXACTLY WHAT I DIDN'T WANT.  And, his response is completely understandable.  Now he's staked out a strong position, and it seems like a binary choice between agreeing to that or having something bad happen, when actually almost nothing is a binary choice.  Usually there are many, many possible courses of action to address any given situation, and I feel the same is true here. I replied to the email acknowledging his views but not engaging the topic any further, and saying I'd have my assistant reach out to book a time with him so we could speak about this "live". 

I also sent him a separate note apologizing for putting the topic out there in email and for any unnecessary upset it has caused compared to talking about it "live", and I assured him that I was committed to finding an outcome that met all of our interests really well.  

So far, there is only silence on his end.  No response.  

He might just be busy, but he's usually pretty good at responding at least quickly.  My worst-case assumption says, "He's really angry and doesn't want any contact right now."  My more balanced perspective says, "He might be upset, he might be busy, he might be both, he might be neither.  I can make up any story, and the best thing to do is not obsess about it and just wait until he's ready to talk."    I know we'll work it out and all will be well, but I also know I've done some damage and created worry that didn't need to be there (on his side and on mine).

Here's what stinks most about the whole thing:

When I wrote the message to him last week, MY INSTINCTS WERE TELLING ME NOT TO SEND IT IN EMAIL, BUT I TALKED MYSELF OUT OF IT and sent it anyway.  I said to myself, "He knows me well, he trusts me, and all I'm doing is asking him to think about it before we get on the phone.  It'll be fine."  What I didn't adequately consider was how strong of a reaction this might evoke in him.  All of this could have been handled in a simple 5 minute conversation by phone.  Arghhhh!  I am frustrated with myself for not listening to my instincts, worried about the impact this might have on our relationship, and disappointed that he has not replied to any of my subsequent messages.  

I'll chalk it up as another reminder of an old lesson.  We humans learn slowly sometimes, don't we?  

Greetings from France.  I arrived here yesterday to do some client work, and am writing to share an interesting conversation I had with the gentleman who picked me up at the airport on Wednesday morning. 

Among other things, we were talking about the high price of oil these days (who isn't?).  

The gentleman I was speaking with runs a car service, ferrying people back and forth from Charles de Gaulle airport mostly in a fairly new Mercedes.  He is the person who generally picks me up when I come to work with this client, so I've gotten to know him a little bit.  I asked how his business has been affected by the high oil costs and slowing economies.  The good news is that his revenues have not dropped (at least yet), but needless to say his net income certainly has.  

I was just about to say, "You know, part of me is happy that oil prices are this high", when he preempted me by saying essentially the same thing.  This, from a man whose living has already been adversely affected by this change, and for whom more damage is almost sure to come.  I was delighted by his ability and willingness to see beyond his own circumstances, to the bigger picture.  

The discussion that ensued was mostly connected to the impact on our environment and, therefore, our wellbeing, brought about by our  continued heavy reliance on burning fossil fuels to meet our energy demands.   

There I sat, saying to him that perhaps I wouldn't be flying to client sites as often anymore, and saying that this was ok.  In fact, I've already reduced my travel from previous years, and now when I fly, I purchase carbon offset credits that fund initiatives such as tree planting, biodiversity, watershed preservation, and other such practical steps to help offset my impact.  See www.zerofootprint.net for details. 

Whatever your take on the global warming issue is, one thing people ARE in agreement about is the daily impact of smog in thousands of large cities.  So, reducing our oil consumption will help this on a day-to-day basis. 

While oil was cheap, the economics were not favourable enough to encourage most of us - the masses - to make more than partial moves toward changing our consumption habits.  Now, we're being pushed towards it out of greater economic necessity.  I think that's a good thing.

Yes, there will be pain for most of us because of the changes this will bring.  But, the pain can bring growth - growth of a different kind.  

Hello out there in blogland - it's been a while. 

Sorry it's been so long since my last posting.  As you will note if you peruse that posting, I was about to leave on vacation.  Little did I know at the time that it would also be an extended vacation from my blog-writing.  I'm back in the flow now so you can expect more regular updates for a while.

This is just a quick entry for now to let you know about a fascinating lecture I was recently made aware of.  The lecture is by a Harvard-based Neuroscientist named Jill Taylor.  She describes the workings of the two hemispheres of the human brain, along with an amazing account of her own experience of a tumor that burst in her brain many years ago, her astounding recovery, and the profound insights she derived from the experience. 

Her account is humourous, fascinating, and inspiring, and provides insight into the human condition as well as her insight on fostering peaceful coexistence.  

Check it out at http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/jilltaylor

My last blog entry spoke of feeling off balance; specifically, of feeling like a hamster running on a wheel, getting nowhere and feeling little sense of accomplishment.  This entry provides a happier tale: one of returning to a balanced place. 

So what is this elusive "balanced place" or "centre", and how does one get there? 

From my perspective, it is almost as simple to define as the label itself.  Simply put, it is that place where you feel most "yourself"; most evenly distributed among your various views and feelings about any given topic; most powerful and grounded.  I think you know what I'm talking about.  

The more difficult question is: How does one get there, and how does one stay there as much as possible?  This is the vexing question.  

I think the answer is found in many different places, and the path has many branches.  I think the central theme is that you need some kind of "practice" or habit of mind or body (or both) that brings you back there.  Maybe it's as simple as reviewing a mental checklist of what you are grateful for in your life, and allowing yourself to actually feel that gratitude in the moment.  Maybe it's a daily walk in the park, or some form of "me" time.  Perhaps it's a talk with a good friend, or a regular exercise routine.  

Whatever your vehicle, the goal is the same: finding that elusive sense of balance or centre. 

I am happy to say that, even though I have not yet gone on vacation, I think a few days ago I rediscovered that sense of centre and perspective.  How did I get there?  Some combination of items described above:

• I have a daily practice of personal time: reflection time; quiet time; time just for me.  I start each day that way, and it makes a big difference. 
• I got together with a dear friend late last week and spent a great evening of sharing, laughing, getting and giving advice, and just plain enjoying each other's company over a tasty meal. 
• I saw loved ones on the weekend and spent some uninterrupted time with my wife. 
• I participated in a celebration evening of milestones and accomplishments over recent months in one area of my business life;
• I checked in with my coach, getting her input on things.
• And, I put more of the finishing touches on my vacation planning.  This served to make it that much more "real", letting me feel like I'm almost there. 

There are other things, but the items above are the main components. 

Altogether, they served to create perspective.  A return to "centre".  And, dear reader, that is a very good feeling indeed.  

Have you ever felt like your life was an endless series of "to do's", determined by someone else's agenda? 

I certainly have felt that from time to time, and in particular over the last few weeks.  It seemed like every time I turned around there was yet another deliverable due (or overdue), and no room to breathe or come up for air.  

I don't know about you, but for me, this kind of situation leaves me feeling somewhat suffocated and stifled.  One of the main reasons I chose to become self-employed over 10 years ago was to have the freedom to choose how I use my time and where my efforts are directed.  But, my level of success in actually exercising that "freedom to choose" has varied widely over time.

For those of you reading this who are not self-employed, my guess is that you can also relate to what I'm saying.  From what I can tell, most people appreciate and enjoy the ability to determine - in at least some measure - how they use their time and where their energies are directed at any given moment.  For me, when I'm deprived of that freedom for too long, I end up feeling like a hamster running on a wheel, not really getting anywhere.  I don't feel a sense of accomplishment or satisfaction as I complete projects - even though I am accomplishing things - in part because there is immediate pressure to get onto the next item.  My "accomplishments" end up feeling like an endless series of tasks I have no say over, and collectively they seem somewhat meaningless. 

The feelings I have also remind me that I am in need of a vacation.  It's often true that when we are overworked, we lose perspective and enjoyment of the journey.  Thankfully, a vacation is coming soon.    

I am aware that the mindset I'm describing above is a fairly disempowered one.  It assumes I have no control over my choices, which is not true in the broader sense.  Yes, I have made commitments to many people that now lock me into a series of obligations for a certain time, but that pattern can be changed.  Presumably, these commitments were made because I wanted to make them, not out of some sense of obligation.  And, if they were done out of a sense of obligation, I still have to realize that they were - and are - choices I made.  If I made the choices in the first place, then I am responsible for (and capable of) changing them. 

Today is a day where I have such choices open to me, and I'm delighted by it.  It is a day reserved for things that are important to me - like writing this blog entry.  And, I will have at least one other day like that this week.  It gives me a sense of inspiration and excitement.  I feel like I have a say in what I'm doing, and that feels good.  It really is amazing how much satisfaction is available from a shift like this.  

So, to rectify the immediate problem, all I need is time off.  This will restore perspective, balance, and therefore, inspiration.  To rectify the broader problem, I need to remind myself regularly that everything is about choices, and then act on them.  Some are easier to make than others, but they are all choices.  As much as possible, I want to run my life based on inspiration - not obligation.  All I have to do is choose that path - repeatedly. 

Last week I was in France teaching at an International Executive Education centre, working with a group of executives from over a dozen different countries.  My role was to help them improve their ability to manage their important negotiations and relationships, and although the sessions finished off reasonably well, they lacked the same "buzz" that I am typically able to generate with my clients. 

During that week I was preoccupied - more than I was aware of - with a few other things that were happening for me business-wise.  Although I would not have consciously been able to tell you how preoccupied I was at the time, that was definitely the case.  As I said, the work went well in the end, but for more than the first 1/2 of the session, the participants did not have the same level of engagement that I am accustomed to.  A colleague had told me when I arrived at the site that this would likely be a challenging group (apparently they were less engaged than usual in some of the other topics with other professors). 

I felt there was more to it than that, but wasn't able to pinpoint it.  That is, until just the other day.  Yes, the group may have been more challenging than others, and maybe less oriented toward participation than others.  But, in my case, I think the main problem was that I simply wasn't connecting with them.  Said differently, I wasn't fully "present".  I was only half there.

This showed up in a few ways:  I did not make eye contact as frequently or as widely as I normally would; I didn't have as much passion for my subject as I normally would; I didn't have lunch with the group as I normally would, nor did I share break time with them (the sessions were conducted at an offsite Exec Ed facility).  In fact, in some ways I would go so far as to say I didn't have the same level of commitment to making a difference for them as I normally would.  

One day this week as I was reflecting of it, it suddenly occurred to me: "OF COURSE!" I said to myself, "I was only half there.  No wonder things felt lacklustre compared to usual.  I assume that anyone reading this can relate to what I'm saying.  Whether you're in a meeting, hanging out with friends & family, on a conference call, or on a date, if you're only half there, the experience won't be that rewarding if you're not really "there".   So, I had the benefit of another reminder. 

Here's to "being present". 

Starting this past Friday afternoon, most parts of Ontario, Quebec, and Eastern Canada received another huge dose of "the white stuff" - otherwise known as snow. 

Some parts of Ontario received as many as 45 centimetres (almost 18 inches) of new snow.  Where I live in the Toronto area, the media are reporting that this latest storm puts us into near record territory.  We have not received this much snow since the winter of 1938-39 (207.4cm), and as of 8:30pm Saturday night we were within 12.2cm of breaking that record. 

Here's the sad part about all of this.  For many people - especially urban dwellers - when they think of winter, they think of this:

What I've mostly heard from people is complaints.  "I'm sick of winter".  "This sucks".  "This is an awful storm", claimed a newswoman last night.  "Says who?", I say.  To be fair, this is part of winter.  There is a "hassle factor" from a logistical standpoint for all kinds of activities related to the business of life. 

While what I describe above is true, like anything in life, there are many sides to winter.  Winter is also this:

My wife and I went out for a walk during the snowstorm yesterday.  If you dress up properly, it's beautiful.  And today, I've been out walking the snow-covered streets and enjoying the gorgeous sunshine and blanket of white. 

As I often say to myself or to others when we're facing a challenge, we don't get to choose what life gives us; we only get to choose how we respond.  Sometimes it takes a while to turn my perspective around, but I always try to remember: I'm doing the time anyway, so do I want to enjoy it, or hate it? 

So, my invitation to you is to choose. 

Choose which part you want to focus your energy and attention on.  And not just for a winter storm, but for anything in life.

Last Thursday afternoon, my colleague and I were involved in a freak car accident - one in which we could have easily been killed or seriously injured. 

Amazingly, we escaped the accident with only minor aches and pains, and the driver of the other vehicle was completely unhurt.  

Here's what happened: 

My colleague and I were returning from an out-of-town meeting, driving on a narrow, elevated expressway near downtown Toronto in sunny, dry conditions.  We were in the right-hand lane, nearing our exit, when suddenly a very large dump truck smashed into the driver's side of our car.  Within seconds, our car was spun around in front of the dump truck as it continued hurtling down the highway.  We were being pushed sideways down the expressway, with the nose of the dump truck embedded in our driver's side door.  

Many possibilities ran through my head.  Among other things, I thought, "We're going to be spun around into the fast lane and be hit by another oncoming vehicle", or "our tires are going to blow and the car will roll again and again down the highway", or "we're going to be smashed into the concrete barrier and possibly crushed or at least seriously injured by this large truck".  Other thoughts raced through my mind.  First to come to mind was my wife, followed by my parents, my brothers and their families, other relatives, my friends and colleagues, my staff. 

My colleague maintained alertness throughout it all, holding onto the steering wheel and, I think, trying to return our car to its proper lane and direction.  Apparently all of this was happening without the dump truck driver's awareness.  We were in his blind spot when he switched lanes, and apparently he was even unable to see us when our car was being pushed sideways down the highway by his truck.  His only clue was the screeching tires and the smell of burning rubber.  Our guess is that when he applied his brakes, we were released from the front of his truck.  Our car spun around, back into the right lane of the highway, and amazingly was facing the direction we were originally headed in.  Our next fear was that we would be rear-ended by a vehicle approaching at speed from behind us.  Luckily, the drivers nearby had seen all of this happening and had slowed down by then.  

Before we knew it, a tow truck was on the scene, as were the police.  We knew we were safe.

With my colleague's permission, I am sharing this story with you.

Why?  Mainly because I know that from time to time I have been "tuned in" to what's really important in life by other people's close calls - or worse - other people's tragedies.  My hope is that maybe one of you will benefit in this way.  Writing also helps me remember how fortunate we were that day, and give thanks once again for the simple ability to type this message.  

So, call a loved one and go spend some quality time with them.  Or, forgive someone for something you've been holding against them. 

Life is short, and can be taken from us at any time.  Enjoy the journey.  Take time to appreciate the hundreds of little pleasures available to us every day.  I've just had another reminder of why this is important - may you, too, be reminded from time to time - hopefully in gentle ways. 

Just two days ago I posted an entry about this new topic I will be writing about. 

I described my definition of "Sustainable Living" as including much more than "simply" living in a planet-friendly way (as if that weren't already enough of a challenge).  I defined it to include every aspect of how we live our lives.  I'm specifically thinking about what I call "human-friendly" practices, like taking care of our body, mind, and spirit (aka life force), eating well, having leisure time, getting rest and exercise, and so on.  

Given that my firm's work lies in the fields of negotiation, conflict management, and relationship building, one could quite fairly ask the question: why are you writing about this?  What the heck does this have to do with what you, your colleagues, and your company do for a living?  

I would have no problem simply answering, "Nothing.  It's a personal interest, not a business interest, and it's one I think people are interested in hearing about".  But, that's not what I believe to be true here. 

My goal when I'm working with clients is to help them discover that the best business deals generally aren't actually the ones where they "got one over on" their "opponent".  Instead, we illustrate - through real-life examples and exercises - how they can generally do much better over time if they create business arrangements that work for ALL parties.  These deals are robust and SUSTAINABLE, as are the relationships they help build.  This applies equally well to political or trade agreements within, between, or among countries.  We work in settings like that as well.  

So, my belief is that there is a direct connection between the notion of sustainable living and one's approach to negotiations and relationships.  If you pay attention to the themes we highlight in articles, book reviews, or in the "Negotiation Advice" section of my blog, you will see the link between the two, I believe. 

Here's to outcomes that work for all parties involved.