If you look at your personal experience, you probably can find plenty of examples of this.

Research on where the information lies in communication bears this out.  One study says that as little as 7% of the total information resides in the words.  38% lies in the “para-verbal” – things like tone, manner, volume, speed.  Then the remaining 55% is “non-verbal”, commonly referred to as body language.  The exact percentages don’t matter as much as the pattern, and if you reflect on your own experience, the pattern probably resonates – it certainly does for me.

Just imagine, you’ve got a complex, sensitive, potentially emotionally-charged issue to address, and you do it over email.  The receiver(s) of the message have just 7% of the available information in that message, so they “make up” the rest (from their assumptions), and treat their interpretation like the truth!  Scary.

It’s especially scary because we tend to make worst-case assumptions about other people’s intentions.

So, next time you have a sensitive issue to address, think twice about whether email is the right medium for it.

As an aside, I believe that emoticons came about because people were trying to introduce more “information” into their email messages.   This also applies to improv emoticons like using the colon : and bracket ) to make .

Be careful with your email so as not to cause someone to feel

I was in Chicago last week working with fairly senior consultants in one of the world’s largest professional service firms.  I was amazed at how DISEMPOWERED  these people feel in their professional life (maybe personal life too?).

We had a number of discussions about negotiations with their clients over fees.  Through their questions, again and again the consultants showed their trepidation in pushing for fair payment for services rendered.  Wow.

This is somewhat explained by the tough economic times of the past 2 years, but I was still surprised at the intensity of this feeling.  I can understand a more cautious approach to business, but they were even hesitant to stand up for fees they had legitimately earned!

The most surprising example was a situation one of the participants raised, where an international client was balking at paying a fee they had previously agreed to.  The situation was one where the consultants had done outstanding work (as acknowledged by the client!), pulled all the stops out to help the client complete a significant transaction from which they made many millions of dollars, and yet the client was trying to get out of paying several hundred thousand dollars of a roughly $2 million fee (almost 1/3rd of the total fee).

We spent a considerable amount of time on this issue, discussing strategy, role-playing different versions of the conversation with the client, and so on.  Then finally, one of my colleagues asked the burning question: “How is it that the client sees this as FAIR?  And, has anyone asked the client this question?”  “No”, was the answer.

They were so intimidated by the fear of not getting future work with this client, no one had the courage to put this obvious topic on the table.

In the end, a very senior consultant had a conversation with the client’s CEO and the full fee was paid.  But it’s amazing to me that the conversation was allowed to go on for that long, and that the client would even dare to try getting away without paying the fee.

I always say to clients: “People will treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated.”  So if you don’t want to be taken advantage of, don’t allow it!  The one caveat I will add is that sometimes you feel you don’t have enough good choices (or “power”) to do so.  Ok, I’ll grant you that.  I’ve been in that situation too.  But the key is not to let yourself stay there.

If you keep accepting what you’ve always accepted
You’ll keep getting what you always got

Beef up your “Plan B”, stand up for yourself, and remember, you ALWAYS  have a choice.  Sometimes the choices aren’t attractive in the moment and in the short term, but you’re still making a choice.

In the long run, we all have to live with the choices we make.

As adults, the buck stops with us.

While they might have seemed mostly philosophical in nature, there is in fact a direct connection to the advice I provide to CEOs and other Senior Executives to produce top-notch results in their negotiations:

Focus On What You Control.

What does this look like in practice?  It means the following:

• You can’t control “external events”
• You can’t control the economy
• You can’t control someone else’s behaviour (much as we might like to)
• You CAN control YOUR behaviour (most of the time anyway)

So if you’re unhappy with how things are going in a current negotiation or how they went in a past one, LOOK AT WHAT YOU CAN DO DIFFERENTLY.

For example, few things are more powerful than modeling the behaviour you want to see in others.  Said differently: walk your talk.

I tell clients all the time that, despite the fact that I’ve been doing this work full-time for over 14 years and using the principles in business for 19 years, I am still (pleasantly) surprised by the amount of change I can produce in others by changing what I do.

It’s easy to point the finger at others and blame them for your failures and frustrations.  But that’s usually a cop-out, and it’s definitely disempowering.  So next time you’re not happy with how things are going or how they turned out, have a look in the mirror and see what that person can do about it.

By the way, I’m talking about this in the context of individual negotiations, but I give the same advice for how to manage a relationship.  If you REALLY want to try this out where the rubber hits the road, try it in your most significant relationships: family.  You might surprise yourself with what you can achieve.

BUT THERE’S ONE HUGE CAVEAT TO ALL OF THIS:

YOU CAN’T FAKE IT (SUCCESSFULLY).

What I mean is that if you change your behaviour as some kind of “technique” you read about in a cheesy blog, good luck.  Most of us are experts at sniffing out inauthentic behaviour, and then we punish people for it.

For this to work, you have to change your behaviour because you feel it’s the right thing to do.  And THAT shift – the mental and emotional one – is usually where most of the work needs be done.  But you need to have the guts to try it, and the guts to be wrong and (perish the thought) admit it.

Try it out and see what you can produce.

Over the past week I have been engaged in a client situation where exactly this problem is at play.  The client has received a request from a department within their organization, and the request has been positioned as very time-sensitive.  In their desire to be responsive to their colleagues, our client has rushed forward, engaging us and two other external vendors in a series of dialogues about how we might meet the request. 

There is only one problem:
the internal client's core goal is not well defined. 

Thus far we have been, at least in part, caught in their tornado.  So, one of the primary focuses of our dialogue with them till now has been to slow them down and help them clarify their own focus.  We have asked big-picture questions about the core objective and the trade-offs involved in time vs. quality.  We have broadened the discussion beyond a few narrow options to a broader range.  And, most of all, by our questions, they have realized that they do not have nearly enough information and therefore have returned to their internal stakeholder to clarify the goal. 

Our next step will be to go one step further.  It will be to put on our observation on the table with our key contacts at the client.  We will "name the game" as it were.  Essentially we will say that we feel the project is running too far too fast, and in the process chewing up many cycles of processing time and energy – a large proportion of which are premature.  We will encourage them to slow down and look at the big picture more robustly with their internal colleagues, and then return to us with the next steps. 

This problem is certainly not unique to this specific client.  It is a universal problem, and one we often describe when working with clients.  In our solution-focused modern business climate, we too often rush to "the answer" without sufficiently understanding "the question".  Said in our language, we rush to the options (solutions) without sufficiently understanding the interests and concerns we are trying to satisfy. 

So, go slow (at the start) in order to go fast (and in the right direction) the rest of the way.

It is transformational – particularly in light of the United States' history, and the continued lightning rod-like emotions driven up by the issue of race in America.  Rather than making political commentary, however, my focus here is on how this election campaign – and Barack Obama's approach to the campaign (and to life, it seems) illustrates the impact of mindset on results and context.  

Let me be more specific.  In my view, Barack Obama has been all about mindset (aka paradigm), since day 1 of his campaign.  And, it is his mindset and the way of being that flows from it that attracts so many people to him.  In essence, Obama has created a new reality for people to live into.  What is that new reality (aka mindset)?  It is one of hope, acceptance, inspiration, calm courage, steadfast determination, leadership by example, and the sense that anything is possible.  

The way I see it, whether one agrees with his political views and policies or not, Barack Obama changed the game in the election (and on the American political scene) by calling people to a new, higher plane.  And this kind of a game has not been seen for a long time in that setting.  More than that, Obama has succeeded in reigniting hope and a sense of empowerment (i.e. "Yes we can") among the American people, and I would argue that he has done so well beyond the USA's borders as well.  

How does this connect to the work we do at Common Outlook?  Very directly.  

A foundational component of ANY work we do with clients is an examination of their mindset, and how it drives – consciously, and especially unconsciously – their actions and results.  We help people uncover their fear-based or greed-based beliefs and assumptions, and we show how this often produces results they don't want.  And, we show them how they can fundamentally change this stance in order to produce something much better in terms of an outcome.  It is not easy to "live" or "embody" this different, more empowered mindset.  It requires us to move beyond our survival-based instincts and behaviours to something higher.  It takes courage, emotional maturity, discipline, open-mindedness, and a view of the big picture, among other things.  But, the results are worth it – as is the experience of the journey. 

If you have doubts about the impact of creating a new paradigm for people, just watch any significant speech Barack Obama has given.  Listen to his words, watch his way of being, and observe the reactions of the people in the audience (or simply notice your own).  I would be surprised if you could not notice the paradigm shift in action.   

I just got back this evening from an engagement in the US with a multinational client of ours.  Over the course of the day, I was reminded again of an important principle we often talk about with clients but which doesn't always get enough attention: the notion of keeping "The Big Picture" in mind when making decisions in negotiations and relationships.  Specifically, keeping your end goal in mind when deciding about any given "move" in the negotiation.  

I have noticed more and more over time that our clients seem to be much less strategic in their thinking than before – at least as it relates to day-to-day decisions and projects.  

Why? 

These days, to get some peace and quiet and some focus time, you really have to make a very conscious choice about it.  And, it requires more discipline than before, because simply escaping the physical setting of your office is not enough to give you that space.  You've also got to turn all those electronic gadgets OFF.  YES, TURN YOUR CELLPHONE/BLACKBERRY/IPHONE OFF!  "STEP AWAY FROM THE DEVICE!"  It's practically a biological impossibility in some people's eyes.  These devices become addictive, people say.  They don't call them "Crackberrys" for nothing.  

But, the payoff is well worth the effort. 

More and more research is surfacing about how inefficient "multi-tasking" is.  Our brain just gets into the groove on one activity when we switch to another, and our flow of thought is broken.  To get back into that flow takes some extra time, and, we've got to spend time getting into and out of whatever "activity #2" is that we interrupted "activity #1" for.  

We see these impacts show up not only in poor decisions, but in the scattered and unfocused way of being we notice in many of our clients.  They never really seem to be in control of where they're headed.  They just seem to be barely keeping a lid on things, and usually haven't given things much thought because they're just jumping from one activity to the next. 

So, give yourself a gift next time you've got an important project to work on:

Unplug.

Give yourself even 30 minutes – yes, it sounds outrageous, 30 WHOLE MINUTES of uninterrupted time focusing on that item.  Then, see what the quality of your thinking is like.  Here's to the power of focus, and to the power of looking beyond our navel.  

I'm happy to report that now, the relationship has been repaired.  

How?  Through an honest, authentic, open conversation where each one of us was willing to be vulnerable, to tell the ugly truth about what we thought and felt, and where each one of us was willing to acknowledge something we could have done differently.  

I began by apologizing for even putting the topic in an email in the first place.  I could immediately feel a shift in his energy – a positive shift.  In fact, I sensed relief.  We took the time to hear each other out (I heard him out first since he was the aggrieved party, so at a minimum I felt I should let him speak first if he wanted to).  We also took the time and demonstrated the courage and commitment to really put it all out there, and to explore openly questions or items that came up.  In the end, I asked him how he felt, and his answer was, "Much better.  There's a wound that needs a bit of time to heal, but I feel much better."  

For me, what's ironic (or not really ironic, when you stop and think about it), is that I feel closer to him now than I did BEFORE THE PROBLEM.  In fact, I sent him a note the next day saying exactly that.  On the phone we both acknowledged the notion that you really get a sense for what people are made of when there is a problem.  Their response to that situation will tell you a lot more about what they're REALLY made of than 5 years of "happy happy" contact. 

What's my lesson?  There are several, actually:

• First, as I already noted, listen to your instincts!
• Honour your closest relationships.  If you make a mistake, hang in there and clean things up.  Why injure or destroy a great relationship because of one fight?
• If you make a mess, you have to be willing to be authentic about cleaning it up.  You need to be willing to show your warts and look bad.  I know this doesn't sound attractive, but if you reflect on your experience, this is exactly what creates the opening for something new. 

So, I'll chalk it up to being human and to growth.  Still, it's painful each time, so I'm happy that I've got some frameworks to guide me and my feelings through this process.  

Many thanks,

Peter.  

If your gut is yelling at you saying:

"STOP!  DON'T DO IT!  THIS IS A BAD IDEA!  SOMETHING'S NOT RIGHT!",

you ignore it at your peril.  

I think our instincts are a form of higher wisdom, helping guide us along the way.  I don't think our gut feeling discerns right or wrong in an absolute sense, but I do think it discerns right or wrong FOR US, AS INDIVIDUALS.  And that makes all the difference.  

So, next time you find yourself trying to make a difficult decision, or conflicted about something, give yourself some time to reflect on it.  Look for the voice of wisdom inside you, or notice the feeling you get when you consider the various courses of action your could take.  Then, FOLLOW ITS ADVICE!

My guess is you'll be glad you did. 

P.S. No major update on the situation yet.  My assistant is going back and forth with my colleague trying to figure out times that will work for the two of us to connect this week.  So, there's at least contact of some kind.  Stay tuned. 

If you have a sensitive topic to address, email is almost certainly NOT the right vehicle.  

Well, I was reminded the hard way.  A sensitive subject came up through some client work I was doing last week.  It was a subject I needed to raise with a long-time close colleague who is many time zones removed from me.  I had promised the client I would respond in a timely fashion, and also wanted to give my colleague time to think about it before he and I discussed it, rather than just "springing it on him" in a phone call.  So, I chose to put the subject out there in email on Thursday as a way to start the process.  

In the message I sent to my colleague, I explicitly explained that email was not my preferred method for handling this, and that my purpose for putting the topic in email at all was as noted above (that is, to be responsive to the client and to give him time to think about it over the weekend so we could address it this week).  On purpose, I did not stake out my position on the subject – because I had not established one, and because it's often a bad idea anyway.  We need to jointly develop a solution based on our varying interests, wants, needs, and goals.  I asked him to think about it and suggested we get together on the phone to discuss it as a next step. Well that didn't work.  

I arrived at the office on Monday morning to a fairly strongly worded email in which he laid out his position in no uncertain terms, and also explained how upset he would feel if this were not the outcome.  OOPS.  This is EXACTLY WHAT I DIDN'T WANT.  And, his response is completely understandable.  Now he's staked out a strong position, and it seems like a binary choice between agreeing to that or having something bad happen, when actually almost nothing is a binary choice.  Usually there are many, many possible courses of action to address any given situation, and I feel the same is true here. I replied to the email acknowledging his views but not engaging the topic any further, and saying I'd have my assistant reach out to book a time with him so we could speak about this "live". 

I also sent him a separate note apologizing for putting the topic out there in email and for any unnecessary upset it has caused compared to talking about it "live", and I assured him that I was committed to finding an outcome that met all of our interests really well.  

So far, there is only silence on his end.  No response.  

He might just be busy, but he's usually pretty good at responding at least quickly.  My worst-case assumption says, "He's really angry and doesn't want any contact right now."  My more balanced perspective says, "He might be upset, he might be busy, he might be both, he might be neither.  I can make up any story, and the best thing to do is not obsess about it and just wait until he's ready to talk."    I know we'll work it out and all will be well, but I also know I've done some damage and created worry that didn't need to be there (on his side and on mine).

Here's what stinks most about the whole thing:

When I wrote the message to him last week, MY INSTINCTS WERE TELLING ME NOT TO SEND IT IN EMAIL, BUT I TALKED MYSELF OUT OF IT and sent it anyway.  I said to myself, "He knows me well, he trusts me, and all I'm doing is asking him to think about it before we get on the phone.  It'll be fine."  What I didn't adequately consider was how strong of a reaction this might evoke in him.  All of this could have been handled in a simple 5 minute conversation by phone.  Arghhhh!  I am frustrated with myself for not listening to my instincts, worried about the impact this might have on our relationship, and disappointed that he has not replied to any of my subsequent messages.  

I'll chalk it up as another reminder of an old lesson.  We humans learn slowly sometimes, don't we?  

I described my definition of "Sustainable Living" as including much more than "simply" living in a planet-friendly way (as if that weren't already enough of a challenge).  I defined it to include every aspect of how we live our lives.  I'm specifically thinking about what I call "human-friendly" practices, like taking care of our body, mind, and spirit (aka life force), eating well, having leisure time, getting rest and exercise, and so on.  

Given that my firm's work lies in the fields of negotiation, conflict management, and relationship building, one could quite fairly ask the question: why are you writing about this?  What the heck does this have to do with what you, your colleagues, and your company do for a living?  

I would have no problem simply answering, "Nothing.  It's a personal interest, not a business interest, and it's one I think people are interested in hearing about".  But, that's not what I believe to be true here. 

My goal when I'm working with clients is to help them discover that the best business deals generally aren't actually the ones where they "got one over on" their "opponent".  Instead, we illustrate – through real-life examples and exercises – how they can generally do much better over time if they create business arrangements that work for ALL parties.  These deals are robust and SUSTAINABLE, as are the relationships they help build.  This applies equally well to political or trade agreements within, between, or among countries.  We work in settings like that as well.  

So, my belief is that there is a direct connection between the notion of sustainable living and one's approach to negotiations and relationships.  If you pay attention to the themes we highlight in articles, book reviews, or in the "Negotiation Advice" section of my blog, you will see the link between the two, I believe. 

Here's to outcomes that work for all parties involved.